This, that and everything else – A blog by Keyvan Sayar

It is the first mild day of March…

As Now Ruz approaches, here is a lovely springtime poem to wish you all a wonderful year.

To my sister

It is the first mild day of March:

Each minute sweeter than before

The redbreast sings from the tall larch

That stands beside our door.

There is a blessing in the air,

Which seems a sense of joy to yield

To the bare trees, and mountains bare,

And grass in the green field.

My sister! (’tis a wish of mine)

Now that our morning meal is done,

Make haste, your morning task resign;

Come forth and feel the sun.

Edward will come with you;–and, pray,

Put on with speed your woodland dress;

And bring no book: for this one day

We’ll give to idleness.

No joyless forms shall regulate

Our living calendar:

We from to-day, my Friend, will date

The opening of the year.

Love, now a universal birth,

From heart to heart is stealing,

From earth to man, from man to earth:

–It is the hour of feeling.

One moment now may give us more

Than years of toiling reason:

Our minds shall drink at every pore

The spirit of the season.

Some silent laws our hearts will make,

Which they shall long obey:

We for the year to come may take

Our temper from to-day.

And from the blessed power that rolls

About, below, above,

We’ll frame the measure of our souls:

They shall be tuned to love.

Then come, my Sister! come, I pray,

With speed put on your woodland dress;

And bring no book: for this one day

We’ll give to idleness.

- William Wordsworth

Shappi Khorsandi

A very funny young Anglo-Iranian comedian. She is actually the daughter of a very famous Iranian satirist (Hadi Khorsandi). For all those of you who have no clue about Iranian culture or Iranian people and who only hear about us through Fox News reports, watching this video might be quite a strange experience.

Bill Maher on France

I did not post this video out of nationalism but because I foud it really funny. We all have a lot to learn from other countries

To the citizens of the USA

Here is a very funny piece by British comedian and actor John Cleese.

To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation* of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories, excepting Kansas which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘ise’. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up the word “vocabulary”).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of -ize. You will re-learn your original national anthem “God Save The Queen”.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts (look it up) and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol which you have been calling gasoline – roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby, (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies). Look up the word “nancies” in the OED, it does not refer to the wife of a former president.

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4pm with proper cups (never mugs), high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.

Thank you for your co-operation.

(*You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary (OED). Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how incorrectly you have been pronouncing it.)

France 24

Here is a very funny Daily Show bit on the launch of France 24, a new 24-hour French news channel.
Vive l’humour, vive la diversité!

Sealand for sale

The story of how Sealand came into being is quite thrilling. Many people would love to create a utopian country like this one… But when you listen to Mr “Prince Regent” speaking in this video, he sounds much more like an opportunist than like an idealist.

The way Mr Bates created Sealand was not very poetic but it was adventurous and a bit crazy. Sealand subsequently got a lot of fans and supporters around the world. For instance, hundreds of people have been given Sealand passports (which are not recognized by any country).
And now the Bates’ dream is for sale. Adieu Sealand.

Some people say that the Bates are seeking to sell Sealand because a recent fire did a lot of damage to the structure. In other words, the “country” is nothing but a rusty burned-out box on stilts. Maybe it is, maybe it is not. Let’s just hope that the next proprietors will do something interesting with it.

French Accent

For those of you who want to learn French fast… English and French are basically one same language, the only thing that differs is the pronunciation… so just learn the French accent!

Borat

For those of you who have not heard of Borat yet and for those of you who only heard his jokes… here is a bit which I like a lot. Just like Ali G, Borat is a character that Sacha Baron Cohen created in order to be able to interview people differently. The candid Borat brings out many things that people would never say to a politically correct journalist. The character makes very shocking statements (against Jews, women, homosexuals, blacks…) but he makes them in such a way that many people do not dare to contradict him or (worse) support him openly.

I believe that Borat makes his audience (composed mainly of teens & MTV viewers) think about politics, about the ideas behind the mottos… and that is nowadays more than necessary.

Watch this video and see how the republican candidate lets Borat say outrageous things to people on his behalf. Watch him make the candidate talk about the right to life or about which people go to heaven and which do not.